THE DAD ZONE

It’s not so bad here ... where’s the food?

(Dec. 5, 2007, Arkansas Democrat-Gazette) 

By Stephen Caldwell

    Note: The new grandkids hijacked this week’s column and co-wrote this combined account of their first few hours outside the womb.

    Wooooaaaaaaa. What a trip. Crazy cool. So this is the outside world. Interesting. Are you listening over there, dude? I gotta tell you, when I first arrived, I was not happy. I was tired and cold and hungry, and these gigantic creatures dressed in green were poking and prodding me all over my body. Give a kid a break. They’ve been counting my fingers and toes since I was the size of a walnut. Did they think something changed? Pass the word, will ya? Two feet, two hands; 10 toes, 10 fingers. If something changes with that, I’ll give you a shout. I promise. In the meantime, I’m hungry.

    Before, it was dark but it was warm. And the food was always there. Always. First thing they did when I arrived out here was cut the food line. Not cool.

    Confession: I cried.

    And what happened to the music? Inside, there was almost always music. Sometimes it was a gentle humming, sometimes a song, sometimes just that sweet , reassuring voice. If it stopped for too long, all I had to do was give a few kicks or a hard elbow and it turned back on. If I really want something out here, kicking’s not always enough. Sometimes, I gotta scream.

    Man, I loved the music, I loved that gentle voice.

    Did I mention I’m hungry?

    At least I’m warm again. Every now and then they take all my clothes off and wipe a wet cloth across my bottom, right there in front of God and everyone. And they smile when they do it. Oh, the indignity!

    Most of the time, though, I’ve got this really soft blanket and they keep me in this cool tanning bed. I’ll be ready for the beach next summer. But those lights are bright. Anyone got shades?

    This is going to take some adjusting, living on the outside. I hear them talking about taking me out of the tanning bed and to someplace called “Home.” Sounds interesting.

    In addition to Home, I hear talk of the World.

    I wonder what’s going on that I need to know about? Is somebody going to give me an update on this new place?

    Is global warming really manmade?

    How can we leave Iraq so that the people there can live freely and safely and so that they won’t come try to kill us? Will people ever realize that I was as much of an honest-togoodness live human being when I was in there as I am out here? Will the University of Arkansas athletic department ever make sense again?

    Wait a minute. I’m too young to know about any of that. Or care.

    But I am hungry. Did I mention that? And I think I hear that gentle voice. Ah, yes. That voice. A soft blanket. A good meal. And music. Life around here might be OK, after all.

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